New Years Resolutions, 2004 [The Beerquarium]

New Years Resolutions, 2004
Okay, so last year we tried the whole 17-resolution thing to get 10 right. And while that might be all well and good, it's come to my attention that I don't particularly care about getting any of them right. And 17 resolutions means I have to come up with 7 more resolutions, which makes me that much less lazy... we won't stand for that. So we'll take an alternative approach this year, and come up with 10 resolutions that I have no intention of fulfilling. But this year, instead of making the choices completely random goals, I'll include a nice little reason for each choice. Enjoy...

	#1: Go through every single major the school offers. Rationale: Everyone likes a Renaissance man. Result: Failed (1) Note: I made it through five by the end of the year. That's pretty good.
	#2: Win the Nobel Prize... in funk. Rationale: All that physics and chemistry is making the ceremony lose its flava. Result: Failed (2) Note: They still don't have a funk category. Bastards...
	#3: Sleep for a week straight. Rationale: Let's knock out that sleep debt in one fell swoop. Result: Failed (3) Note: People kept wanting me to be doing shit. Ridiculous..
	#4: Find a way to buy a soul from the devil. Rationale: All this cornering of the market that he's doing is going to lead to a monopoly. Result: Failed (4) Note: You know, I saw him every day and yet always forgot to bring it up.
	#5: Get married to Britney Spears. Rationale: Ching, ching, million-dollar divorce... Result: Failed (5) Note: That Federline bastard beat me to the punch. Damn him and his, um, make-out parties...
	#6: Find all the stolen Sherman Rs from the past several years and return them... well, not to Sherman. Rationale: We can't have someone starting up some pirate restaurant with those things and naming it "Arrrrr!" or something. Result: Failed (6) Note: I found the letter O a lot more interesting this year...
	#7: Find and lose 7 jobs in 7 weeks. Rationale: It's time to get some confidence in the economy. So we need to see that people can get jobs that aren't being sent to India. Result: Failed (7) Note: I got one job, but it ended without me being fired
	#8: Fit three people in the Miata. Rationale: It'll give me more selling power to know that I can when it's time to unload the car. Result: Accomplished (1) Note: Me and two sorority girls... this was, um, memorable.
	#9: Finally get some girl to have sex with Marku in the Czech Republic. Rationale: This whole sandwich thing is unhealthy. Better not to develop some sort of sexual disorder (subophilia?). Result: Failed (8) Note: Marku did get some poon, but when he was back in the U.S.
	#10: Get the Cashew Club recognized by USG. Rationale: So maybe they don't like pistachios. But we'll get that funding one way or another... Result: Failed (9) Note: You know, I realized I don't like cashews.

Holy shit, I actually succeeded on one! Well, I guess even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while. I suppose you're never really supposed to succeed in New Years resolutions. They're sort of the things about the person you want to be that require the characteristics you don't want to have in yourself. And if you just want to be some nutcase who doesn't do any good for society like me, then it matters even less if you accomplish any of this ridiculous bullshit.