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Brother Fulter Hong, tired of other brothers coming into his room and eating his pistachios despite his leaving signs telling them not to, devises a new way to cut some of his losses: starting a pistachio club charging $5 a year to eat as many pistachios from his room as they want, thereby getting some money for the pistachios that would have been mooched anyway. |
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Brother Duffman was returning to his room from the ravages of his pathetic social life when confronted by Fulter about joining his club for $5. Seeking the most ridiculous response he could find, Duffman tells Fulter that he'd start his own pistachio club and charge $4 dues to undercut Fulter's market. |
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Brother Steve Marku, upon hearing a possible way of wasting time, takes on the cause of an alternative Pistachio Club with Duffman and begins to foster support. |
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Duffman declares his and Marku's pistachio club Macys and Fulter's Gimbels. The historical significance of the earlier triumph of Macys over Gimbels goes reasonably unheralded, but the repetition of "You're Gimbels!" allows for maximum annoyance factor for the new, Macys-like pistachio club. Note: If you don't watch "The Simpsons" way too often, just skip over this point on the timeline and assume that this must be an effect of the crack associated with historians. |
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Realizing that they would rather be a part of Macys than Gimbels, Delta Iota Kappas flock to Duffman to join his new pistachio empire and start trying to hand him money. Never intending to actually start a pistachio club, Duffman panics, craps his pants, and hands the reigns over to Marku in an attempt to flee to Switzerland. Losing the "less strange" founder, the image of the pistachio club suffered drastically. Also, Duffman got a briefcase somewhere and managed to stay surprisingly stoic in the middle of a seemingly intense run. |
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Fulter informs the fledgling empire of the cost of pistachios and the fact that he is not using his club to make money, but rather to lose less money. Faced with the thought of a perpetually empty treasury, Marku puts the best minds of the new pistachio empire to work on the problem. |
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Fulter raises dues from $5 to $6 to use artificial association of price with quality and to make Marku's dues 2/3 of his. He also starts to restrict membership in addition to his fees. The effects prove extremely limited regarding membership, but increase revenue. Also, Fulter's propaganda raises an interesting point: Marku doesn't have any pistachios. With new, effective propaganda, Fulter sees as members flock to his club. |
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The crafty new pistachio empire decides to apply for recognition from the University Student Government as an official university club. All clubs sponsored by the USG receive $50 of automatic mass funding, enough to provide pistachios for the club. Additionally, the prospect of funding for pistachio cultural events and a semesterly Pistachio Club Chipotle Banquet is introduced. |
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As the area representative for the USG, Duffman gets intrigued at the possibility of scamming the organization out of money, rejoins the empire as its vice president, and begins to organize the empire's administration for the paperwork of alliance with the USG. Around the same time, respectable brothers Patel and Hofmann also join the empire and help the new empire to get back on track. |
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Marku manages to convince Professor Kriessler to be the Pistachio Club faculty sponsor since he finds the idea funny, thereby ending the major obstacle in getting USG recognition. Signatures of students jumping aboard the club soon followed and helped to finish the application. |
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The final obstacle in the recognition application, a constitution, is conquered as Brother Alan Lufkin, former president of Habitat for Humanity, writes the Pistachio Club constitution by amending the Habitat constitution to say "Pistachio Club" instead of "Habitat for Humanity" and "pistachios" instead of "housing" wherever necessary. |
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USG VP of Finance Leland Metheny sends out his proclamation to all the university lands, and his position regarding an alliance is clear: "Pistachio Club: unrecognized." |
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Marku receives a mock package from Fulter and the enemy pistachio club: a Fed Ex envelope filled with empty pistachio shells. Thoroughly discouraged, Marku decides it's time to give up. |
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The resolve of Brothers Duffman and Lufkin eventually wears down Marku, who sends Metheny an ultimatum, in which a reason for lack of recognition is demanded. Hoping it pertains to a technicality, Duffman prepares the Pistachio Club to meet the requirement by the time of appeals. |
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Metheny sends out his proclamation regarding the message. Encryption is placed on the message originally, but the code is provided elsewhere, yielding the translation "Your club is crap." |
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Marku, realizing that the success of the vast and glorious Pistachio Empire depended on the support of the USG, officially concedes defeated to Fulter. |
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To show the lack of enmity between the former rival empires, Fulter extends Marku the opportunity to buy a membership in his pistachio club, which Marku accepts. Fulter realizes, soon afterward, that he erred and that the unwritten constitution of the victorious pistachio club meant that he could not offer Marku membership alone, but instead needed a majority of the club. Fulter's vote, however, proved to be the only one in favor of Marku, and membership was never extended. |