Studies in Internet Futility
Marku and the Love Calculator
The Rationale:
I waste way too much time.
The Hypothesis:
Steve Marku is a love machine.
Definitions:
For our purposes, we must assign numbers to various qualitative categories. An average range of 0-25% will be "Coldfish," 25-50% will be "Not a Love Machine," 50-75% will be "Moderate Love Machine," and 75-100% will be "Love Machine."
The Procedure:
This experiment is based on two assumptions, both for the sake of practicality. We needed a way of testing whether or not Marku is a love machine, and the most numerically solid means of doing so if, of course, is the love calculator. Since domain names make things more official, the love calculator at LoveCalculator.Com was used. The other matter was that we could not possibly test all desirable women, or even all desirable women at CWRU (no, I shouldn't correct that to say "both desirable women at CWRU"). So, I decided to use the residents of the most attractive house on campus... that's right, the Magnolia House, home to Alpha Phi. The other assumption, therefore, was that the Alpha Phi house is representative of attractive women in general. Basically, the experiment had to consist of the task of entering all the names of Magnolia House into the Love Calculator. To relieve myself of the mind-numbing boredom, my mind was allowed to float out of my body for long periods of time. Still, I had to break it up such that it moved on at a rate of around seven names per day to keep from going insane. Finally, various measures of statistical analysis were performed to test the validity of the results.
Complications: This was sooooo boring.
The Results: I won't give you the individual data, but the statistics are more telling.
| Mean: |
60.2143 |
| Standard Deviation: |
27.1982 |
| Minimum: |
14 |
| Maximum: |
99 |
| First Quartile: |
32.5 |
| Median: |
69... oh, yeah |
| Third Quartile: |
76.5 |
Although the mechanism for the love calculator should provide a uniform distribution, not a normal distribution, and this is confirmed by the normal quantile plot, which shows a distinct lack of normality, the sample size of 28 is large enough to justify a Student's t test of the data. Using an alternative hypothesis that the real mean is greater than 50, I obtained a p-value of 0.0307, easily significant at a 5% level. Also, with the hypothesis that the real mean is less than 75, the p-value was 0.0044, which is significant on a 0.5% level, and thus clearly true.
The Conclusion: If my assumptions are correct, Steve Marku is quite clearly a Moderate Love Machine.
