 |
The Declaration
Brother Hammad sends out a message to the other Delta Iota Kappa lands declaring intentions of war on behalf of the third floor. The text is copied below:
"The third floor has officially declared war on all the other floors. While the fourth floor does not present a challange, the second floor will be soundly defeated in about a week, but for sure before Thanksgiving. Have a nice day."
|
 |
Division on the Third Floor
Brother Yungher sees the announcement made supposedly on behalf on the third floor, and tries to move quickly for peace. An excerpt of his efforts is included below:
"brother hammad represents a small splinter faction of the floor, in which he is the only member. we believe that this deviation occurred upon his purchasing of vice city. while he and his faction are small, they are to be considered very dangerous, as he has a track record of (drunken) destruction and has hours of training time (via gta III and vice city). hopefully dating brother lufkin will settle him down a little bit."
|
 |
Attack of the Mantey
Brother Mantey strikes for the second floor as he and his comrades block the third-floor door, trapping Mark and others in their floor, cut off from... well, everything that matters.
|
 |
A Floor Reunited
Brother Hofmann returns, and sets the third floor back on the path of war. Also, the blockade of the third floor door is overcome, which many attribute to Hofmann's return.
"I am now back and fully supporting brother Hammad and the 3rd floor. That's right, reinforcements have arrived - those of you who thought it would be easy to take us down, think again. And Don, you will be dealt with severely for the crime of treason."
|
 |
Hostilities Develop
Sanctions begin, and the third floor is banned from second floor-controlled areas such as the second-floor bathroom. Third-floor residents, however, either do not recognize the power of the sanctions or do not realize that they are Thirdies, and are seen in second-floor areas nonetheless. Enraged, the second floor prepares for war.
|
 |
Fronts Develop and Enemies Form
Hammad appeals for help from third floor alumni. Although largely a failure, it does draw encouraging support from Brother Cannavino.
"I will be joining the good fight against the Communist dog that is the second floor and their fascist fourth floor allies."
The out-of-house brothers also join the second-floor brigade after suffering undesirable relations with Brother Hammad (no, they didn't date him, but good guess...), except for Brother Myers, who joins his family, and Brother Manfredi, who covers the action for the Shiny News Network (SNN).
|
 |
Declarations, Declarations...
Sergeant at Arms Duffman sends out the second-floor declaration of war. Some of the demands are below:
The name of Brother Johnson's room will now be changed to New Chad's Room....
Brother Hammad will be stripped of the position of House Manager and given the most annoying, humiliating position in house... oh, wait... never mind... no changes shall be made.
The new official motto of the third floor will be "Boy, we sure are gay," which shall be emblazoned in large letters across the door of Brother Gardner, who shall henceforth be known simply as "The gay guy."
|
 |
Plundering Begins
The third floor's composite pictures, including one in which Brother Cannavino is president, are relocated to the depths of the second floor. Also, Brother Bolek's bottle of Ice 101 is replaced with a can of V8, and the original is relocated to Fort Liquor, Brother Duffman's padlocked liquor cabinet. A message is sent out stating that the bottle has been taken as a prisoner of war, but various members of the third floor remain confused about where it went.
|
 |
Attack of the Neutrality
Various members of the fourth floor race to point out their separation from normal matters of the house and subsequently declare their neutrality. The third floor withdraws, failing to realize that a floor can't be neutral when another floor has already declared war on it. They are joined by some of the third floor, who realize that siding with Brother Hammad against full-size brothers is an invitation for an ass-whoopin'.
|
 |
Hammad in Trouble
Brother Hammad is restrained and almost dumped in the second-floor trash. However, he uses an old tactic to escape: acting like a sissy girl and crying out about the SI session he has to get to until Brother Duffman is forced to release him and turn away in disgust. Of course, rather than go to the session, Brother Hammad decides to unleash his most potent weapon: standing around and making pointless statements in the loudest, most annoying tone possible. The technique is effective, as mass irritation ensues...
|
 |
The Thirdies Strike Back
While the second floor is off doing work, various members of the third floor come down to the second floor bathroom, and remove the toilet paper supply and Mark's favorite Playboy from the bathroom. The toilet paper reserves in the Delta Iota Kappa supply closet also mysteriously disappear.
|
 |
Hitting Home
Considering Brother Hammad's copy of Vice City the best leverage, the second floor and its allies wait for an opportunity to enter the heart of the third floor without being seen. Brother Hammad heads back, but is distracted by Brother Duffman's incredibly obvious stalling and by Shoshana, since the presence of a being without a Y chromosome is a decidedly foreign instance that demands scientific curiosity. A small amount of toilet paper is left in the Vice City case as a second-floor calling card, but Brother Hammad fails to comprehend.
|
 |
Dietz to the Rescue
Brother Dietz, familiar with the workings of the toilet paper due to his position at the time as house chair, deduces that the size of the stolen toilet paper supply leaves few possible hiding places, only one of which is probable... and sure enough, finds the toilet paper at his expected location. Peasants rejoice as toilet paper is distributed amongst the crowd.
|
 |
Attack of the Apathy
Eventually, everybody realized that they'd just stopped caring about this weeks ago. Brother Hammad still refuses to actually strike on behalf of his floor, and instead turns to a strategy of repeatedly saying "If you don't care, just surrender," in hopes of creating the most boring war in human history. Experts attribute this new strategy to a desire for attention because then nobody will step on him. Others third-floor members like Sloppy realize the stupidity of the continuing war and surrender. And as such, Sloppy's bottle of Ice 101 is returned, although still blindfolded with toilet paper.
|
 |
Grappling for Air Superiority
The third floor engineers faced off against the second floor engineers to design the greater air force for domination of the Delta Iota Kappa skies... Yeah, so this never happened... what happened instead was that Brother Hammad walked downstairs and annoyed the second floor.
|
 |
The Battle of the Chapter Room
Bloodshed ran rampant as thousands gave their lives for mere inches of territory, when the second and third floors both laid claims to the chapter room. Yeah, so this never happened, either... but Hammad did come down to annoy us again.
|
 |
The Treaty of Nobody Gives a Shit
Okay, so maybe there was no treaty... or resolution of any real matter. But things stopped... I guess...
|
 |
The Future...
Seriously, the picture was to be all symbolic and stuff... not just look like I wanted to put Hammad's head on an ass. Well, either way, it seems that second floor-third floor issues, despite their major lack of seriousness, are showing no signs of really being resolved. Delta Iota Kappa Civil War II? Only time will tell...
|