Swami Duffman Predicts: The New School Year [The Beerquarium]

The New School Year

What does the new school year hold? A new name for Case? Sex for Marku? 223 bagels for me collectively? As usual, when there's something in the future to determine, we turn to the Swami to predict the big events. We know the Swami's made a few mistakes here and there, but experts agree that these predictions are the real thing.

	President Hundert will be misheard as saying he wants Case to be the "most powerful churning environment in the world." New equipment will be ordered quickly for the classrooms, and the butter curriculum will draw major national attention of mixed opinion.
	Student break-ins into administration offices will anonymously reveal secret files that show that the university has been secretly taking on policies designed to make the university population as close as possible to completely made up of dorky white guys and strange Indian males... as if there's any other type of Indian male.
	As the freshmen get close to moving in, Case will once again realize they don't have enough housing to provide them. Unable to buy another apartment building as local residents protest the presence of Case students dropping property values, the school will turn some of its less frequently-used facilities into dorms.
	It will be decided that students cannot declare new majors in art studio, biology, or math, as all will be incorporated into SAGES somehow. The administration then buys boxes and boxes of magic beans to prepare itself for the program.
	Continuing previous trends in Case caterers, Bon Appetit will replace Leutner and Fribley Commons with two troughs filled entirely with cheese and butter. Older students will remark that it is still better than the Chinese section from the old plan.
	The vice presidential debate will be interrupted by Satan emerging from below the Earth to drag Dick Cheney down to Hades. After hearing that Edwards worked in personal injury, Satan will return for him as well.
	After finding out how much better CSU's equipment is, Case's athletic department will institute the new IM Kleptomania. Delta Iota Kappa will begin its 15-year undefeated streak.
	Upon hearing that even I'm going to graduate, the 6th-year and 7th-years organize and offer me money to stick around another year, add another major, and generally make them look good by comparison. When I name my price for another year at Case as $100,000, the offer is withdrawn.