Jizanuary
 New Year's kiss rule continues its effect on the Delta Iota Kappa house, and most brothers are again doomed to spend the year with inflatable women, minikegs, or 7 year old rakes.
Delta Iota Kappa spring rush apparently produces Marlon, rumored to be even girlier than me. Of course, we'll have to see what the boys in the lab say about that, but still...
Lambda Lambda Lambda rush produces an unprecedented 45 pledges. When asked about the situation, Tom credits the situation to good PR and a widescale interest for service, then quickly proceeds to hide a Free Jetskis sign in his trunk.
Fizebruary
Elliot and I both get entered in the Bid 4 Your Heart charity date auction, and the $90 and $160 for which we are respectively sold shatter the $35 selling price of the Delta Iota Kappa entry from 2002 (no, it wasn't Marku -- that was $35, not $0.35). Improved success in drawing power is attributed to high involvement from friends, increased interest in helping cardiac care, and paying girls to spread rumors about 11-inch genitalia. On a separate note, those pictured to the left are not, in fact, Elliot and myself, surprising as it may be.
The Delta Iota Kappa Civil War divides the house as the third floor declares war on the second floor, and the fourth floor finds itself surrounded in neutrality and apathy. Unfortunately, the sides cannot decide which will be the blue and which will be the gray, as both are embodied in Marku's only shirt, so both colors are held in contempt by the floors.
Mizarch
A fifteen-man trip to Cabo San Lucas reminds me why I hate the Westin hotel (don't ask), all drinking is best before 2 PM, Asian guys should not wear feminine, cow-print cowboy hats (Fulter, not me), and elaborate moneymaking schemes should not involve me and Marku negotiating with Budweiser girls. Also, for some reason that cannot be explained, Trombley suddenly acquires a talent for piping circus music out of his mouth...
The U.S. begins Operation Iraqi Freedom, which hopes to liberate the Iraqi population from their oppressive government and make sure that the needs of Iraqi women are fulfilled. To show their patriotism, American fratboys decide to start Operation Wonderbra Freedom, which hopes to liberate the American female population from their undergarments and make sure that the needs of slutty college women are more than fulfilled. The operation is a major success except on the campus of Case Western Reserve, where males are too confused by the fact that the anatomy between a girl's legs does not match that on the Barbie doll... although in many cases, their own is not terribly different from the Ken doll.
April
Power of naming the rest of the months of the calendar is wrested from Rob and Handloff, dropping the Z level for the coming months a shocking 100%.
Easter comes, and millions of kids are sent into the backyard to find some treats left by rabbits. Results are divided between chocolate eggs, animal waste, and boxes of Trix.
I officially make being a secretary my thing as I undertake the position for Lambda Lambda Lambda as well. Considering the inescapability of my tie to the position, I also develop my skills in making coffee and sleeping with my boss.
May
When all undergrads but me and the others staying for summer were gone, the management school's last day of finals was interrupted by an armed maniac for several hours of deadly mayhem. The day is still somehow rated as an above average finals week experience by most students.
Marku realizes that Case has screwed him again and messed up his JYA, meaning that he'll have to spend the fall on the Delta Iota Kappa fourth floor. The Czechs breathe a sign of relief and prepare for several months of the country still maintaining its good smell and its low number of people ambling through halls.
June
Summer classes begin, so I start to see what it's like to be in EECS. Surprisingly enough, survival does seem to be possible despite not knowing Klingon and having touched a breast before that was neither turkey nor chicken... and no, Binary's don't count.
Ken starts to develop compulsions toward a skinny blonde who looks like she's 14. He is, of course, encouraged by Norm and me in all efforts not involving night vision goggles, since we think we can probably get some nice book deals when the shit hits the fan.
July
Chris gets subjected to the near-death experience of having to ride for the second half of my (if I weren't speeding) eleven-hour drive to Josh's beach house after me not sleeping at all the night before (yeah, good ideas...). A new set of emergency conditions are also made for if she has to steer in case I begin to lose feeling in my arms, get us to the side of the road in case I pass out, or smack me in the back of the head in case I start to act like an ass... well, more so than usual. The rest of the trip goes more or less according to plan, except for Gian, Bryan, and Josh's tunnel system getting taken out by the tide and our castle getting destroyed by no-good punk kids.
Ian somehow finds a way to make beer, a mariachi band, and dodgeball come together. With a little oregano thrown in, it's judged to be not half-bad.
August
I suppose you've got to go home sometime. I stopped by on my way to Palm Beach to see my sister, but unfortunately, I still haven't gotten my pictures developed from the trip. I hope the substitute on the left is almost 10% convincing.
I move on up to the North Side (cue The Jeffersons theme), which has filled up with a new set of freshmen. In other events, I decide to get several new guns, a dozen boxes of cyanide pills, a giant noose suspended from the ceiling (don't even ask about all the maintenance requests that it took to get that thing installed up there), and a tall bridge.
Classes begin for the year on August 25th. The countdown until the day that classes end begins for the year on August 26th.
September
Cutler residents go officially nuts and elect some retard to their hall presidency. Oh, that's right, it's me. The surprising results are attributed to a butterfly ballot with Pat Buchanan and my promises of frivolous wars, upper-class tax cuts, and the addition of Hitchcock, Raymond, and Pierce to the axis of evil..
The Borg line in Delta Iota Kappa apparently is not going to die out, due to new additions Marty and Jason. Links to the return of Borg burgers are unestablished, although bottle of Borg's secret sauce does contain label "Warning: May lead to choice of Cooter or Duffman as big brother" right after warning about chronic diarrhea.
October
Stephen Hawking pays a visit to Case to present his theories on cosmology. Sadly enough, despite spending all his time with math and physics, he still finds the campus "a little too dorky" for him.
The Clan takes on another member with new addition Tran, keeping its all-Asian status but losing its all-male status. As a result, Clan family Hockey Nights and Stripper Nights are put on hold for a little while, but Karaoke Nights and Score High on Standardized Tests Nights continue strong as usual.
Lambda Lambda Lambda chapter mascot Annod is lifted from right under my nose by those sneaky Dayton bastards. The Section 56 Clapper-Guy fills in for Annod in the meantime, but is found to be less squeezably soft.
November
The Lambda Lambda Lambda semester comes to an end, and I set a new personal best with 139 service hours for the semester. Well, I suppose it's about time to start picking up enough vice to cancel that out...
After a quick writing effort on my part, the Dayton chapter's mascot, previously lifted, ends up in the hands of those sneaky Case bastards.
Duffman's Old-Fashioned Thanksgiving turns Colin off the world of cooking forever, as he has to deal with me and Tran buying a turkey way too late to defrost in time, getting no baster or brush, and deciding to baste the turkey in teriyaki sauce. Naturally, all is part of my grand plan to slowly become the only cook in the world so I can have my own NBC reality show...
December
When Thrillhouse has not been seen after Thanksgiving Break, Cutler goes on high alert. Every Rascal House and Dominos in the area are searched, but nothing turns up. In the meantime, John has to downgrade to one-player spades, which is deemed sufficiently less interesting.
Saddam Hussein is captured as part of a vast international conspiracy to take the U.S. down a peg with four more years of incompetent leadership. Looking at Hussein's scraggly beard, Marku looks at his own scrubby growth from lazy shaving, laughs derisively, and mutters, "Amateur."
Report card time, so of course, I've got to learn to explain to the parents the new grading system, in which the best students get grades that combine phonetically to make the coolest sounds like FFFFFF... Yeah, that's the ticket...
And waffles remained amazing for yet another year... c'mon, you didn't think I'd go a page without mentioning everyone's favorite breakfast material, now would you?
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