2002: A Look Back [The Beerquarium]

2002: A Look Back
The Parts that Actually Mattered
Note: The page used to be called Duffman's House of Pain and Waffles, and it had a very waffle-centric and waffle-promoting approach. I just thought I should mention that so you're not too confused reading this on The Beerquarium.

The year 2002 is, like, over or something. Someone told me this, and I wasn't sure whether to believe them. I checked up on it, though. Looks like it checks out. Anyway, due to various drugs, I'm sure you don't remember everything that went on in the year, and reading all the newspapers to remember what happened would take all of 2003. So, I prepared a little recap and cut out all the stuff that doesn't matter... you know, literature, the arts, education... so the recap is thoroughly unwholesome and devoid of cultural value. Enjoy...

	January The general American population has more sex than any other month in the year. Case guys' lives seem gloriously unaltered. Spring rush reminds Delta Iota Kappa why ice sculpting isn't on anyone else's calendars... but fails to remind us that January is not part of the spring. Waffles are good.
	February I turn 19, and have no good excuse not to go to Canada left except, of course, Canadian people. Just kidding, Matt... Valentine's Day confuses a mass of Case guys as they wonder what strange holiday is going on that nobody told them about. Waffles remain good.
	March Spring Break means a trip to Cabo San Lucas for 10 Delta Iota Kappa, and for me, well... whatever the hell it is that I do instead of having fun. World stares in awe as an attractive JCU sorority girl rejects Poe to run away with Marku. Police teams scan the Delta Iota Kappa house for weeks afterwards in hopes of finding the drugs she was on. Even waffles seem strange and unfamiliar for a little while.
	May People remember April exists. Nobody cares. Showers from the mystery month go absent, and May flowers fail to appear this year. People seem strangely pleased, though, at the thought of avoiding more Pilgrims. School lets out at Case, and a mob of engineers descends on the general public. Case guys also get surrounded by large numbers of girls again, and have to stop using the excuse that there are no girls and replace it with the excuse that they're strange people who like to play video games on Friday nights. Summer jobs help students buy waffles... which are good.
	June Case goggles gradually disappear, and masses of male students realize their towns are not composed entirely of models. I finally stop writing 2001 on my checks. I take a break from cell culture for a few days to head back to Funview, Illinois. And, of course, promptly forget why... Waffles somehow taste better during break.
	July The Fourth of July provides loud noises and flashy things. Frat boys around the nation realize how much cooler the day would be if they were drunker. A foolish amateur tries to escape the fourth-floor quad to have a normal social life, and is stopped by the barb wire, land mines, and dogs. Brothers Duffman and Poe watch, shrug, and disappear again into their respective caves. Waffles remain good.
	August Case guys return to school, and the world suddenly becomes less attractive. Fall rush officially sees 1 million freshmen go through the Delta Iota Kappa house and on to other fraternities. Delta Iota Kappas promptly see "Fun House" sign outside of house and decide to take down slanty mirrors inside. Waffles return to the dining halls.
	September A year passes since the World Trade Center attacks. People fail to realize that considering they didn't know anyone involved get directly affected by the terrorism itself, a year is a little long to think that they can't take a piss because of the disaster. The economic downturn gets to point where Americans have to give up either quilted toilet paper or $10 cups of coffee, and the nation prepares to crucify Bush. President Dubya opens the "All-Purpose Solution" envelope and starts looking for a war soon after. Terrorists fly waffles into major buildings for commercial activity. Little damage is reported.
	October We go to, um, war or something against... Iraq? Didn't we do this in 1991? Halloween... I neglect to get a costume, but actually see increased recoiling in horror for unexplained reason. Waffle costumes start to sell in record numbers.
	November The U.N. passes resolution against Iraq. People realize they were confusing the U.S. and U.N. when they changed the TV to it, remember, and go back to watching mindless cable dating shows. My sister turns 21... and most likely starts getting hit up with liquor requests by friends. Waffles, although still good, get somewhat colder with the weather.
	December Case students try to study for finals, but are too distracted by the hope of leaving Case. The joy is cut quite short upon realizing they'll have to come back. Brother Iowa goes home, leaving Delta Iota Kappa with only "those scary Case guys." I make a crappy web page about remembering the year 2002. And waffles, of course, are still good.