| Lest you live in a cave, there is a good chance you have at one point heard of Elisabeth Kübler Ross, her book On Death and Dying, or the five stages of dying through which a person goes upon learning that they have a terminal illness. Now you have to notice both that she is an incredibly nasty piece of ass and that her name has a ü. Now with one of the two, there might be some doubt, but with both, it's pretty much a guarantee that she creates quality psychological theories. I'm not saying that sweet pieces of ass and people with an undotted u are in any way impaired in the field of psychology, just that a nasty piece of ass with a ü has to be good. It's just like how pages about beer have to include references to Mr. T. |
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And of course, I'd been told so much about these stages of dying... that she's Swiss and that she's so ugly her theories have to be right... but what I hadn't figured out was that her theories applied to... that's right... big cookies. And so, it would seem, I might have gone through the five stages when I found out that my last big cookie was going to die... because I was going to eat it. Let's see how I fared in the whole thing... |
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Stage 1: Denial "No way, because I'm not gonna eat it. My cookie's gonna live forever. It's a god! A god, I tells you!" |
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Stage 2: Bargaining "Wait, wait, I've got money! I can buy some donuts instead! Some nice, delicious donuts! In fact, I can even buy more cookies and eat those! My cookie's not gonna die!" On a complete side note, this has to be one of the goofiest pictures of myself that I've ever taken... |
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Stage 3: Anger "Dammit! Why does my cookie have to die?! This world is going to hell in a handbasket! Damn you! Damn you all! My big cookie will have its vengeance!" |
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Stage 4: Depression "Oh, why? Why? Why my cookie? It was so young... [sob] So promising and full of life... [sob again] So full of chocolatey goodness... |
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Stage 5: Acceptance "Oh, well. The cookie's gotta die... Man, this is good... I've got to remember not to have any more ethical crises about things with chocolate." |